ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
