I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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