I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
