YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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