The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
