worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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