i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
