I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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