when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
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I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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