What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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