You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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