So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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