dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
