): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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