My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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