I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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