My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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