Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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