When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
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i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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