His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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