Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
