I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
COCAINE IS GR8
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
