worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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