I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
