i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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