Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
