You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
