Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
