She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
