I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
