WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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