John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
