I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
