I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
