hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
