in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
