I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
