May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
