I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
