Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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