and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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