My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
