So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
