last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
