If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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