you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
