Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
