nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
