Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
