I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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