Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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