Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
