If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
