Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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