when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
