This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
