I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
