dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
