You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
