You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
is wine microwaveable?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
