It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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