Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
